Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Yesterday Debra's boyfriend (better known as Bub) and I were having a conversation. Yes I said conversation (he does that now). At first I couldn't understand what he was saying to me but then I stopped thinking the million thoughts that were running through my head and I listened to him, really listened and I realized that he was having an actual conversation with me. My first thought was "I have to record this." that thought quickly dissipated because I realized that if I grabbed the video camera he would undoubtedly stop talking so I just sat there talking to my son and this is how the conversation went.
Bub: DiDa at?
Me: Dada's at work.
Bub: (Looking at the front door) Dida bye bye?
Me: Yep dada's bye bye.
Bub: Tissy bye bye?
Me: No silly sissy's right there.
Bub: (Laughing as if he knew he was being silly) Tissy pay!
Me: Yes sissy's playing.
Bub: (Lifting up his t-shirt) Bellbee!
Me: Yes that's your belly.
Bub: (Smiling that gorgeous smile that always melts my heart) My bellbee!
Me: Yes Bub that's your belly. I love you!
Bub: I ob you!
That single conversation made all of the things I had to do, all of the stress that I was under, all of the worry and wondering melt away until it was just me and Bub and our silly conversation about Dida and bellbees. I can't even begin to explain to you how amazed I am with my son every single day... he inspires me, he challenges me, and above all he makes me want to be the best mom I can be because I know that he deserves the moon and stars and I would gladly spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to give him both!
Monday, January 5, 2009
I've spent most of my 29 years trying to decide whether or not guys were worth all the time us women put into them. This is something I wrote a few months ago and I think it pretty well sums up how I feel about the whole thing...enjoy!
When I was 5, I was sure that I would never love a boy. I mean they all had cooties, they always pulled your hair when you weren’t looking, and they never wanted to play “house” on the playground. I remember my mom always telling me that no matter how mean the boys were I had to be nice to them, but why did I have to do that? My five year old mind just could not fathom being nice to some mean, smelly, cootie infested boy! Yes I was pretty sure that loving a boy was not in my future!
When I was 16, I was adamant that I would never love a boy. Oh sure when you’re 16 everything is all about boys, in fact a teenage girls life revolves around 3 things; boys, shopping, and boys, but for some reason I just knew that I would never love one of them! I remember my first “real” boyfriend. My whole world revolved around him; I ate, slept, and breathed HIM, it was sad! And then we broke up, and what used to be this warm, happy, fuzzy feeling when I thought about him turned to this dark, hateful, terrible feeling! That was the nail on the coffin so to speak, and that’s when I knew that my suspicions were right…I was adamant that I would never love a boy!
When I was 22, I was fairly certain that I would never love a boy! Sure they were nice to have around, especially when the oil in the car needed changed or there was a huge, hairy spider to kill, but most of the time they were still the same smelly, mean, cootie infested boys that they were when I was 5. It looked as though I was fairly certain that I was never going to love a boy!
When I was 27 it all changed! I remember the exact moment that I did indeed fall in love with a boy…it was August 1, 2007, at 4:58 p.m. I remember seeing him for the first time; his hair all a mess, his eyes red and puffy from crying, and his lips trembling with confusion and fear. I remember holding him in my arms for the first time and looking into those big, beautiful hazel eyes; in that moment time stood still, the earth stopped spinning for a brief moment, and everything that was wrong in the world just melted away. In that moment I had done what I was so sure I would never do…I had fallen in love with a boy…my boy…my son!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Yesterday I realized something(well actually I realized it a long time ago, but yesterday it really hit home). I have 4 kids (I know you're probably tired of me reiterating that) 3 girls and 1 boy...my son the lone ranger in a sea (or house) full of girls. I wonder what he must think of all the girls? I wonder if he looks at all of the dolls and make-up and dress-up clothes and thinks to himself, "What in the world did I get myself into?"
When I first found out I was having a boy I panicked, I had only had girls and I had no idea how to be a Mommy to a boy. How could I potty train him? Could I really play trucks and climb trees? I honestly had no idea if I could be a good mom to a boy. Fast forward a few months to the first time I held my son in my arms and looked into his big brown eyes, that's when I realized that I could definitely be his Mommy! The first few months were full of firsts; the first time one of my kids peed in my face (this one I could have done without), first circumcision (scared me to death), and the first time I knew without one single doubt that I had fallen hopelessly in love with a boy. When my son was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant again...of course I was shocked (I shouldn't have been considering the non-existent birth control we were using) but I was shocked none-the-less. I was scared that my son would feel abandoned and that he wouldn't understand. It took me a while to come to terms with it and even admit that I was pregnant, but I finally did and realized that it would be alright. When I brought my daughter home from the hospital my son wanted nothing to do with her. We would try to get him to give her kisses and he would push her away. When she would cry he would just stand there and stare at her with this disgusted look on his face. When I would pick her up and talk to her he would become outraged and throw horrible fits. For the longest time (alright it was really only a little over two months, but it felt like an eternity) I wondered if he would ever accept and love her. Yesterday I got my answer.
In case you can't see he has his arm around her. My heart literally melted right out of my chest. And I have to be honest and tell you that she seemed to really enjoy laying beside her Bubby...and I think he liked it too!
When I first found out I was having a boy I panicked, I had only had girls and I had no idea how to be a Mommy to a boy. How could I potty train him? Could I really play trucks and climb trees? I honestly had no idea if I could be a good mom to a boy. Fast forward a few months to the first time I held my son in my arms and looked into his big brown eyes, that's when I realized that I could definitely be his Mommy! The first few months were full of firsts; the first time one of my kids peed in my face (this one I could have done without), first circumcision (scared me to death), and the first time I knew without one single doubt that I had fallen hopelessly in love with a boy. When my son was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant again...of course I was shocked (I shouldn't have been considering the non-existent birth control we were using) but I was shocked none-the-less. I was scared that my son would feel abandoned and that he wouldn't understand. It took me a while to come to terms with it and even admit that I was pregnant, but I finally did and realized that it would be alright. When I brought my daughter home from the hospital my son wanted nothing to do with her. We would try to get him to give her kisses and he would push her away. When she would cry he would just stand there and stare at her with this disgusted look on his face. When I would pick her up and talk to her he would become outraged and throw horrible fits. For the longest time (alright it was really only a little over two months, but it felt like an eternity) I wondered if he would ever accept and love her. Yesterday I got my answer.
In case you can't see he has his arm around her. My heart literally melted right out of my chest. And I have to be honest and tell you that she seemed to really enjoy laying beside her Bubby...and I think he liked it too!
Friday, December 5, 2008
I read an article recently in a parenting magazine that really got me thinking. The article was about how almost all parents with more than one child has a favroite child. Now when I first started reading the article I thought two things; 1. How could someone actually admit that...and...2. Do I secretly have a favorite child? The article went on to say that you shouldn't feel bad for having a "favorite" and that as time goes on your "favorite" actually passes around to include all of your children.
Now I will be the first to admit that I thought the idea of actually having a favorite child was crazy, I mean we are talking about children not shoes, but the more I thought about it I realized that maybe we all do secretly like one or our children more than the other(s) at one time or another. I mean I know that the love I have for my son (since he's my only son) is completely different than the love I have for my three daughters, but why? Does that mean that I love him more? Of course not! Does that mean that he's my favorite? Well of that I'm not sure. I think I need some help with this one.
So let me know...do you have a favorite child? Or do you think the whole idea is just crazy?
Now I will be the first to admit that I thought the idea of actually having a favorite child was crazy, I mean we are talking about children not shoes, but the more I thought about it I realized that maybe we all do secretly like one or our children more than the other(s) at one time or another. I mean I know that the love I have for my son (since he's my only son) is completely different than the love I have for my three daughters, but why? Does that mean that I love him more? Of course not! Does that mean that he's my favorite? Well of that I'm not sure. I think I need some help with this one.
So let me know...do you have a favorite child? Or do you think the whole idea is just crazy?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Alright this post was one that wasn't really difficult for me to write, but I thought long and hard before I decided to post it...why? The reason is simple it's very personal for me, but I realized that there are (very sadly) way more people out there than me who can relate to this and I thought it was important that I get it off my chest and at the same time maybe someone else who is going through the same thing will read it and realize that they're not alone.
The following is a letter that I wrote to my oldest daughter's father. I had her when I was young (only 19) with someone that I never should have been with. He treated me very badly and I should have known when he was mistreating me that I would never be able to depend on him to be a father to his daughter. He rarely sees her and when he does it's only on holidays at his mother's house, he never calls or sends her birthday cards or gifts, and he hasn't paid his child support in so long he owes her $15,000.00, which may not sound like a whole lot, but she's only 9 and he is only ordered to pay $60.00 a week, you do the math! Anyway I hope this gives someone else the comfort of knowing they are not alone!
Billy,
I thought I would take a minute and get a few things off my chest. I didn't want to have to write this in a letter I would much rather have told you to your face or even over the phone, but I can't remember the last time you came to see your daughter and whenever I call you or she calls you, you never answer the phone...which by the way so makes you the father of the year!
Anyway I thought that I would let you know how your daughter is doing, I'm sure you don't care since you make that much crystal clear with every day that goes by without so much as a phone call or visit. Today she came home from school crying, she asked me why you didn't love her anymore. Now this made me cry, as it always does, because it's a question that she asks me all the time. So as usual I covered your ass and told her that you did love her that you were just busy working (which we both know is no where near the truth since you haven't had a real job ever). Then she proceeds to tell me that she's pretty sure that you don't love her because you never come to see her, you never call her or answer her calls, and when Daddy's love their kids they are always there for them...this is what she told me, how can I argue with that? Why should I always be the one who takes up for you when I know the truth and I so badly want to tell her that truth, I so badly want to erase you from her memory and make her never ever be hurt by you again, but I can't do that, she loves you. She holds on to the hope that one day you'll decide to be her Daddy and love her like she so badly needs you to. She's so smart you know, she loves reading and science and she writes amazing stories. She's so loving and kind and is always willing to help someone when they need her. But she's also hurting. Every time she sees some other kid with their Daddy I see the look on her face, a look wishing that she had that, a look that longs for her Daddy to be there to help her with her homework or teach her to ride her bike, but then it's like she instantly snaps back to reality and realizes that you're not there, you don't do those things for her and then the look on her face is just one of sadness! You've hurt her in so many ways I can't even begin to list them, you've made her believe that men are bad and that they can't be trusted, you've made her cry countless nights, you've made her wish that she had another dad one that loves her and is there for her (something she's said more times than i can count), and above all you've made her see that the one man in her life that is suppose to be there for her no matter what isn't. I hate you for doing all of those things to her, you've made me wish more times than I care to admit that you were dead so at least there would be closure for her, and you've made me see what a truly selfish, careless, ignorant fool you are. I hope this letter makes you feel as guilty as you should feel, but sadly I know that it won't, because only people with hearts and feelings can feel guilt and you have neither of those.
Allison
Now I want to stress the fact that he never acknowledged this letter. I sent it to him over a year ago via his Myspace account that he checks almost every day. Great father huh?
The following is a letter that I wrote to my oldest daughter's father. I had her when I was young (only 19) with someone that I never should have been with. He treated me very badly and I should have known when he was mistreating me that I would never be able to depend on him to be a father to his daughter. He rarely sees her and when he does it's only on holidays at his mother's house, he never calls or sends her birthday cards or gifts, and he hasn't paid his child support in so long he owes her $15,000.00, which may not sound like a whole lot, but she's only 9 and he is only ordered to pay $60.00 a week, you do the math! Anyway I hope this gives someone else the comfort of knowing they are not alone!
Billy,
I thought I would take a minute and get a few things off my chest. I didn't want to have to write this in a letter I would much rather have told you to your face or even over the phone, but I can't remember the last time you came to see your daughter and whenever I call you or she calls you, you never answer the phone...which by the way so makes you the father of the year!
Anyway I thought that I would let you know how your daughter is doing, I'm sure you don't care since you make that much crystal clear with every day that goes by without so much as a phone call or visit. Today she came home from school crying, she asked me why you didn't love her anymore. Now this made me cry, as it always does, because it's a question that she asks me all the time. So as usual I covered your ass and told her that you did love her that you were just busy working (which we both know is no where near the truth since you haven't had a real job ever). Then she proceeds to tell me that she's pretty sure that you don't love her because you never come to see her, you never call her or answer her calls, and when Daddy's love their kids they are always there for them...this is what she told me, how can I argue with that? Why should I always be the one who takes up for you when I know the truth and I so badly want to tell her that truth, I so badly want to erase you from her memory and make her never ever be hurt by you again, but I can't do that, she loves you. She holds on to the hope that one day you'll decide to be her Daddy and love her like she so badly needs you to. She's so smart you know, she loves reading and science and she writes amazing stories. She's so loving and kind and is always willing to help someone when they need her. But she's also hurting. Every time she sees some other kid with their Daddy I see the look on her face, a look wishing that she had that, a look that longs for her Daddy to be there to help her with her homework or teach her to ride her bike, but then it's like she instantly snaps back to reality and realizes that you're not there, you don't do those things for her and then the look on her face is just one of sadness! You've hurt her in so many ways I can't even begin to list them, you've made her believe that men are bad and that they can't be trusted, you've made her cry countless nights, you've made her wish that she had another dad one that loves her and is there for her (something she's said more times than i can count), and above all you've made her see that the one man in her life that is suppose to be there for her no matter what isn't. I hate you for doing all of those things to her, you've made me wish more times than I care to admit that you were dead so at least there would be closure for her, and you've made me see what a truly selfish, careless, ignorant fool you are. I hope this letter makes you feel as guilty as you should feel, but sadly I know that it won't, because only people with hearts and feelings can feel guilt and you have neither of those.
Allison
Now I want to stress the fact that he never acknowledged this letter. I sent it to him over a year ago via his Myspace account that he checks almost every day. Great father huh?
Friday, November 14, 2008
So my birthday is getting increasingly closer (alright it's in February and that's not so close) but this year I'm freaking out because it's the big 3-0! I figured I've learned a lot in the past 29 years so I decided to look back through the years and take stock of my life. In doing so I came up with a list of 10 rules that I live by (or try to); I call them my "Allisonisms", hope you enjoy!
Allisonisms
1. Learn to depend on yourself! Let's face it even the best of friends may not have your back when things fall apart! Knowing you can look at the world and say, "You know what I've got this on my own." will make you so much stronger than looking to someone else to pick up the pieces!
2. Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in! Some people mistake my willingness to stand up for what I believe as my being bitchy, but I don't pay any attention to that. Knowing I have the courage to voice my opinion no matter what the consequence means more to me than ignorant people who judge others for having a backbone!
3. Live everyday like it's your last! I really believe this because nothing is guaranteed, life is short and you never know when your number will be called, but if you live everyday to the fullest then you'll more than likely leave this life with no regrets. (And there's a good chance you won't have to come back and haunt the shit out of someone...lol)
4. Make sure you say "I love you" often. This is another one that I insist on doing! My fiance and kids probably think I'm completely mental because I seriously tell them "I love you" three million times a day. I look at it like this, if I tell them I love them more than I need to then I know that there's absolutely no question in their minds that they are loved by me!
5. Learn from your mistakes. I know this one seems like just plain old fashion common sense, but you'd be surprised at how many people (myself included) seem to repeat the same silly mistakes over and over again. I look at it like this; if I've done something and I know it was a mistake chances are doing it again is going to produce the same results. So try hard to make every mistake a learning experience and once the lesson has been learned the chances of you repeating the mistakes that you've made is a lot less likely!
6. Know that this too shall pass! This one seems a little more difficult for me to believe in than the rest the reason? When things are going horrible it's very hard to believe that things will ever get better, but I've learned that even the worst situations do eventually get better you just have to give it time and believe that there are better things to come in your life. Trust me it will get better.
7. Believe in love even when it seems like your prince will never come. Alright so this is one that I have done extensive research on (and by research I mean I have been in countless failed relationships). I've learned that love does exist, but most of the time it happens when you least expect it! True love is a love that you never have to question, it's a love that feels exactly right from the start, and it's a love that will make even the harshest cynics believe in prince charming!
8. Being a parent will be the hardest job you'll ever have! This one is definitely true! Kids don't come with handbook and there will be times when you have no clue what to do; like when your newborn is up crying for hours on end and nothing seems to calm her down or when your 6 year old asks where babies come from and you'd rather cut off your own foot than try to explain it to her. But in all the chaos and crying comes the realization that parenthood is the most rewarding job you will ever do!
9. Life isn't easy, but it's the struggles that make you stronger! If life were easy then you'd never make mistakes and then learn from them, you'd never be challenged to find out what you're made of, and you'd never appreciate the little things because you know how truly special they are.
10. Having people who love you and truly care about your happiness is one of the greatest gifts in the world. I live with this in mind always, because it's the people in my life that make it so incredible and I am thankful every day that I have such great people in mine!
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